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dusted off in read-only


Week One : Drosdelnoch posted 16 Jul 2004, 15:07 by drosdelnoch, Subdidact

The skies were overcast, much more different to the way that they had appeared last time he had been here. Then the weather had unleashed itself with a torrential rain that seemed to drown out the emotions of the mourners at his wife’s funeral, as if the immortals that watched over them all had wept at her passing. Passing through the gates of the graveyard he walked calmly past the willow drinking from the pond that flowed nearby, slowing to a stop by a simple carving of an Iris, which marked where she lay for eternity. The carving had taken sometime but the sicker that she had become the more time he spent pouring his energies into that one loving thing that he could do for her, it had initially intended to be a new bedhead for her but as the days dragged into months it became clearer that she would need no such thing and he resigned himself to present her with as much of his love as he could to look after her in the hereafter. Looking down he saw that a number of weeds had begun to grow and he lowered his large frame to the ground in order to be able to remove them. As he pulled each one up, he remembered happier times, such as when they had first met and the fun that they had when it emerged that her name had been Iris, he’d always called her his flower-girl after that and the name had stuck throughout the years and such happy years they had been, the fact that they’d never had children never bothered him, he had been content just having her by his side as they meandered away the years growing contented in each others company. His former life had become a thing of the past and if anyone had enquired about what he had done before he met her he always told them that he’d been a farm hand in the north before the plague had hit hard there. The fact that no one could check his story gave him peace of mind as he didn’t want any to know of his true past, that of a brigand, never staying in one place long, just long enough to earn enough money to travel further away. Occassionally people would pass through and throw shifty glances his way trying to look at him from different angles but the beard he had grown had disguised a number of scars that marked him out and he’d been here for so many years now, if anyone asked he’d always been there. “Ive come to see you, to tell you that I wont be around for a while, Fleur.” Started Marquis, “my brother has written from the north and asked that I go and help him as he’s managed to get into some trouble. So I may be sometime, but I don’t want you thinking that I’ve forgotten you. I’ve asked young Borin to keep an eye on things for you, you remember him don’t you, he’s the one who fell in the river five years back and couldn’t get out for falling in the mud. How you laughed at him then, all covered head to toe like a happy pig.” Remembering her laughter brought a tear to his eye and he casually wiped it away before continuing to tell her that he hoped the trip wouldn’t keep him long and that he’d bring her something special back. But to show her that he loved her, he gave her a parting gift before he set off. Digging a hole near to the headstone he opened up his bag and brought out a plant that had traveled halfway across the continent just for her. Although she would never see it, he knew that the thought alone would have made her happy. After bedding it down he walked to the shallow pond and scooped up some water carrying it back to her grave and let it slowly dribble through his shovel like hands giving the plant much needed life giving water. Hopefully when he returned the flower would have taken and given his wife a much happier looking resting place. Standing he turned around and began walking back to home that they had shared in order to pick up his traveling bags for the long journey north, he didn’t look back afraid that if he did so he wouldn’t be able to bring himself to leave. Staring back from the kirkyard a lone Iris fluttered gently in the breeze, seemingly listening to the music of the wind. view post

posted 19 Jul 2004, 17:07 by Sovin Nai, Site Administrator

Two general comments: It was good, contained good imagery, but sometimes the writing style seemed a tad pretentious, which is something I have problems with. There seemed to be run-on sentences. I would go back through and clean some of them. If you're interested, I'd try editing it. Liked it on the whole. view post

posted 20 Jul 2004, 12:07 by Replay, Auditor

Have to echo what Sovin Nai said, that the sentances do tend to run on a bit long. I think if you went back and edited it, keeping some, but cutting down others, you would get a much better overall flow. Other than that it wasn't bad. There were some good details, and some nice bits of info about the character. view post

posted 20 Jul 2004, 13:07 by drosdelnoch, Subdidact

Thanks for the comments, I probably will go into the editing of it at some point, too many years having to write dissertations and stuff like that, so will have to learn to change it a bit. Will try to follow advice on the next one. view post


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