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Advice that works for incredibly successful authors! posted 10 June 2005 in Author Q & AAdvice that works for incredibly successful authors! by Super Frog, Candidate

I have read you lament on the fact that your work is not as successful as you would like in the United States. Luckily, you have me to set you on the yellow-brick (gold) road to financial stardom! I have read numerous highly successful authors and I have managed to divine the methods they use to propel their novels into the hands of ignorant marks, which I shall now share with you. Enjoy! <!-- s:twisted: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_twisted.gif" alt=":twisted:" title="Twisted Evil" /><!-- s:twisted: -->

1) Titles, they are important tools to sell your stuff. Now, "The Darkness that comes Before" simply does not have the wide-ranged appeal you want, it is not only too long and difficult to understand, it is a sissy title! It should be renamed "Lord of Darkness" (the "Warrior-Prophet" is fine minus the prophet part).

2) Gratuitous sex scenes! I cannot stress enough how gratuitous and frequent you need these to be! In fact, you should have authors write blurbs about just how incredibly hot your books are. Examples:

"Lord of Darkness is so hot I almost tore off all my clothes, but then I realized I didn't have to - just my pants!" - C.S Lewis

"R. Scott Bakker's sultry prose had me gasping with literary pleasure... amongst other things." - Steve Erikson

3) Plot. The story is too complex for most people to understand, revisions are neccessary.

Dunyain - Instead of Philosopher/monk/supermen make them isolated farmers who worship peace but get destroyed while Kellhus is off gathering mushrooms. Kellhus can still be physically awesome because he will be the 'chosen one' destined to kill the No-God. Oh, his sword is also magical and can talk to people.

Nonmen - Harmless forest sprites terrorized by No-God's minions.

No-God - Replace all his dialogue with diabolical laughter until the end of each book when he says "curses, foiled again!" He is now called the 'Lord of Darkness.'

Schools - Replaced by single center of magical learning called the 'White Tower'.

Followers of Fane - Evil henchmen of the No-God.

4) Characters. Most people would have you believe that cliches are actually bad things! Fortunatly, they are wrong. People will simply relate to and understand your characters better if you use classic archetypes.

Kellhus - His age is 16 and his name is now 'Lance.' Lance doesn't want to be a hero but the destruction of his village causes him to set out for revenge (melodramatic scene involving dying father). Plenty of teen angst. No longer has as much mental prowess, only physical.

Cnauir - Big barbarian with haunted past but is deep down a good guy. Renamed to 'Lars'

Serwe - Already perfect, no changes.

Achamian - Crazy sorcerer who gets into all sorts of goofy hijinks.

5) Cover art. TEXT! Whatever possesed you to put strange text on the cover? No, you need a handsome Kellhus holding his sword into the sky while various sexy women grovel at his feet. Perhaps there should be an evil figure in the backround.

I really should be you editor. <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt=":lol:" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> view post


Advice that works for incredibly successful authors! posted 10 June 2005 in Author Q &amp; AAdvice that works for incredibly successful authors! by White Lord, Subdidact

<!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt=":lol:" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt=":lol:" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt=":lol:" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> <!-- s:D --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_biggrin.gif" alt=":D" title="Very Happy" /><!-- s:D -->

You know, you're probably 100% right . . . <!-- s:) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s:) --> <!-- s:roll: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_rolleyes.gif" alt=":roll:" title="Rolling Eyes" /><!-- s:roll: -->

My advice to you: be an editor. You'll probably go far . . . <!-- s;) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- s;) --> view post


Advice that works for incredibly successful authors! posted 10 June 2005 in Author Q &amp; AAdvice that works for incredibly successful authors! by Tol h'Eddes, Auditor

Quote: &quot;Super Frog&quot;:1x7h451p
5) Cover art. TEXT! Whatever possesed you to put strange text on the cover? No, you need a handsome Kellhus holding his sword into the sky while various sexy women grovel at his feet. Perhaps there should be an evil figure in the backround.[/quote:1x7h451p]

Something like this?
Oh and the evil figure is symbolized by the eyes in the shadow ! view post


Advice that works for incredibly successful authors! posted 10 June 2005 in Author Q &amp; AAdvice that works for incredibly successful authors! by diarmuid, Peralogue

if i may...

make sure the cover art is without any redeeming originality at all

i cannot expree to you how impotant it is that you add "extreme" to a title
( a point expressed elswhere here by better people than I)

the hero needs a sidekick...preferablly a talking monkey named Goober but i don't want to curb your artistic expression too much, so...

any talking vaguely humanoid animal that is bi pedal and carbon based would be fine

but it must be bi-pedal...the kids are nuts about that these days and the spiders look creepy on Burger King glasses

and if the talking sword could speak in very simple rhyming couplets.....bliss

man this is so easy....it's no wonder you can't sell books in the states..

"original premise"....that and a buck twenty five will get you a cup of coffee view post


Advice that works for incredibly successful authors! posted 11 June 2005 in Author Q &amp; AAdvice that works for incredibly successful authors! by Super Frog, Candidate

Quote: &quot;Tol h'Eddes&quot;:259zyh7w


Something like this?
Oh and the evil figure is symbolized by the eyes in the shadow ![/quote:259zyh7w]

That was hilariously awesome; I had no idea that existed. Actually, it may even be better than my idea (look where the sword is placed).
Quote: &quot;diarmuid&quot;:259zyh7w

the hero needs a sidekick...preferablly a talking monkey named Goober but i don't want to curb your artistic expression too much, so... [/quote:259zyh7w]

I think the new and improved Cnauir will fill that role nicely. view post


Advice that works for incredibly successful authors! posted 11 June 2005 in Author Q &amp; AAdvice that works for incredibly successful authors! by Tol h'Eddes, Auditor

Quote: &quot;Super Frog&quot;:2sbayqo7
That was hilariously awesome; I had no idea that existed. Actually, it may even be better than my idea (look where the sword is placed).[/quote:2sbayqo7]

Actually, it does not exist.
I took some liberty with the original cover page of the French edition (Thanks to the artist !!!) and photoshopped the ladies and the eyes.

[url=http&#58;//images-eu&#46;amazon&#46;com/images/P/226507943X&#46;08&#46;LZZZZZZZ&#46;jpg:2sbayqo7]Linky to the Original Cover[/url:2sbayqo7]

I hope Scott will like it <!-- s;) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- s;) --> view post


Advice that works for incredibly successful authors! posted 11 June 2005 in Author Q &amp; AAdvice that works for incredibly successful authors! by Deerow, Auditor

haha...I like your cover better Tol. view post


Advice that works for incredibly successful authors! posted 13 June 2005 in Author Q &amp; AAdvice that works for incredibly successful authors! by Cu'jara Cinmoi, Author of Prince of Nothing

I'm going to have to start wearing diapers when I read these posts! I damn near crapped myself laughing (OK, so I farted, but I lit a match). Hilarious Super Frog, and Tol h'Eddes... Tol h'Eddes....

Too damn funny. view post


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