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An Epilogue ( Critisism please! ) posted 29 May 2005 in Member Written WorksAn Epilogue ( Critisism please! ) by Kidruhil Lancer, Auditor

( And be as mean as you want to be. I realize it's rather backwards to start with the epilogue, but it's what I have on hand. I may post more on this particular story as I write it, {I have alot that just needs to be rewritten}, but for now.. if anyone could give me their thoughts on my writing style..etc.. Don't be afraid to be honest! )

The First Spring - The Day of a Thousand Flowers
As witnessed by Dhana al Goren, an acolyte.


Even now, years later, words fail to capture the beauty of that day. I can only pray that a lifetime is long enough to supply me with the right words to properly express my feelings, and to do justice to the events that I witnessed.

We had won. And we were one.

When the mourning had ended... When we'd buried the dead and healed the living, the celebrations began. Through every street of the ancient city, through every park and glen in Gardens, from the Silver Wall to the battle-scarred Throat, the people of the Broken Kingdom cheered. We drank water without care. We ate the fruit from the trees and harvested the crops that we'd sown. We roasted pigs and cows and gorged ourselves on pastries.

The soldiers who had held the Throat until Jharin's arrival became instant heroes. Only one in ten of those who'd held that post had survived. Half of them were married before the sun hit noon. I confess to dancing with more than one dashing soldier flushed with the embarressment of sudden glory. There was no shame on that day. There was no shadow nor darkness. We were free from the doom that had sought us out.

Only one thing remained. We were one... and we needed one leader.

There was little question in anyone's mind who that leader should be.

There was hardly room to breathe in the Hall of Flowers. So many had packed in so close to witness the crowning of the king. The Sisters were all there. Every surviving chieftain was in attendance. The Albalah stood beside her husband, fresh with the glow of a pregnant woman. Their son stood with them, and those gathered viewed the child with awe and wonder. The tale of his deeds at the Battle of the Throat had spread like wildfire through the tribes. There were some who accorded him as much honor for the victory as they gave to Jharin.

The sun streamed in through the broken roof... and silence fell as Jharin knelt on the dusty stones.

Nmir lifted the crown and held it above Jharin. As the Sunrose Circle settled about his head... the world rang like a struck bell. The earth trembled and the sun became so bright that we covered our eyes. A voice like thunder spoke for all to hear, booming from the lips of the Albalah.

"As it was... it is. One prophecy is fulfilled while another awaits its time. One sin is forgiven... one blemish is cleaned. No longer will this be a place of sand and stone."

The voice crashed in our ears and resounded in our souls. In our tens of thousands... we fell to our knees. We wept... we felt... we saw... and Sandraken bloomed. Within every border of the Old Kingdom, from north to south and east to west... lands that were once dry and barren became green beneath the sky. There were forests and rivers and sweeping grasslands. There were plants and beasts that we couldn't name. And there was rain...

The King and his son were the only ones still standing. The Albalah had collapsed into the arms of the Sisters, and even Nmir was kneeling. We took a collective breath and waited for the King to speak.

"One tribe, one people. We are a kingdom."

Our cheers, like thunder, shook the sky. view post


An Epilogue ( Critisism please! ) posted 30 May 2005 in Member Written WorksAn Epilogue ( Critisism please! ) by Kidruhil Lancer, Auditor

( I don't expect much in the way of advice, now that I think about it. heh. It's kind of hard to critique something when you're not really sure what you're reading. It might help if you read the epilogue as if you've already read the book... there are hints there about what sort of things happened and so on. Mainly I'm just looking for some random thoughts about style and use of metaphors.. ) view post


An Epilogue ( Critisism please! ) posted 19 November 2008 in Member Written WorksAn Epilogue ( Critisism please! ) by srancchieftan, Candidate

Very good. Your writing is powerful. I was able to feel the emotion of the characters, the glory they felt. Your writing style is very good, i wouldnt change that. However I would have liked more description, and attention to detail. Try describing the location and characters more. view post


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