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RipTide posted 08 March 2006 in Member Written WorksRipTide by Cu Roi, Candidate

This is a VERY rough 1st draft.

Don't be gentle though. This is important. I'll explain later.

Also, I was inebriated when I wrote it, so i apologize in advance for spelling and grammar...excuses, excuses...

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ThunderCLAP!

Darkness.

The tang of salt in his mouth.

He stopped himself from trying to breathe. It would just drown him.

The current pulled him. Moved him.

He fought for several moments. Panicked.

Heart racing.

He stopped.

Which way was up?

He couldn't tell...No way to tell.

Had his board hit him?

He couldn't remember.

Go limp. Let the ocean take you.

Hold on.

Relax.

He would surface. Then he could swim.

Swim where?

To Shore!

Which beach was he on?

Where had he been?

Nothing.

Just pain.

Above his right eye...and the back of his head...

Near his left ear...

Yes...the board must have hit him as he went under...

Was someone else there?

Had someone been next to him?

The tide surged.

God!

The pressure!

Focus.

He let out a little air when it became to much.

There.

He could hold on.

God it's dark!

It hurts!

When!

How far out was he by now?

It seemed hours...no...days had passed!

The burning in his lungs!

His skull...It crackled with fire!

All he could taste was salt.

Almost tasted like...

HER!

He MUST do this!

STAY!

FOR HER!

He couldn't stand it any longer.

He fought.

Pulling against the grasp of the wine dark sea.

He was so tired.

He went the wrong way!!!

Shift.

Glide towards the current.

Like a bird...or a dolphin.

That's it.

The trench had to end.

When it did he could rise.

His arms swept.

Shoulders and back burned with acid.

He must.

FOR HER!

How long?

GOD!

It tastes like...!

He pulled until his arms gave out.

Then kicked until he went numb.

Too much.

He held onto his breath.

He didn't know how.

It had been too long.

It almost felt like he was breathing.

Just a little.

He could only move where the current pushed him now.

He was losing.

He was going to die.

Calm came over him.

He gave up.

He had nothing left.

His air left him.

Her fell into Aegir's jaws.

*********************************************************

Was there light?

Could he see light?

Someone grabbed him.

She was there.

Held him tight and pulled.

Up.

Light.

He broke the surface.

Ragged.

Screaming breath.

It hurt and soothed all at once.

The cool blue of the surf cut a flowing line into the white sand. Green palms waved aboved, while rocks broke through the earth like jagged knuckles. Emerald mountains beyond rose to the sun. He could move. So he did.

She helped him for a while. Closing the distance to the shore with every push of the tide. She let go of him when they were close to it. She spun in the water. Eyes flashing at him. He loved those eyes. She giggled from the throat in that way she did...

She stood in the surf, and ran towards the beach. Naked body glistening. He never could make her wear a goddamned thing.

When he pulled himself from the water, through the sand and fell on his towel he looked back. The water was so clear. Why had it been so dark? Her deep sigh drew his attention back to her. She handed him something cold to drink from the cooler. He washed away the salt from his throat. She stretched her long frame out next to his. She had no shame as she offered herself to the sun's warm caress. Her full breasts settled on her ribcage, and he admired her bronze figure. Her hip bones arching from her flat belly, and giving way to her endless legs. Those hips that had sheltered Her, once upon a time. Her belly hadn't been so flat then. She was his amazon. Why would he want to make her wear clothes?

He looked around. "Where is everybody?", he asked.

"They're coming.", she replied
"When?"
"Soon."
"Where is She?", he asked alarmed. His head whipped around searching the shoreline.
"She's with everyone else. She's coming. Rest a bit."

He was tired, so he did. Dreams took him.

When he woke, he built a fire. It was a warm fire. Very little smoke and pleasant. He looked around and saw his fishing rod propped amongst others near a log. The tide was going out so he entertained the idea of casting to see what he would catch. Embers floated from the blaze like fireflies. He thought he could hear whispers, but no one had come yet. It sounded like they were talking about her and him. Crying too. Why? "I must still be shaken from the wipeout...or that beer hit me harder than...", he thought. His thoughts didn't get too much farther. He saw her stirring from sleep. His eyes encompassed her. Groped her. She yawned, and looked at him. Her eyes searched his. She laughed, twisted and was her feet in an instant. She sprang down the beach. He followed. Dropping his board shorts as he went. They wouldn't be here that soon. view post


RipTide posted 08 March 2006 in Member Written WorksRipTide by Cu Roi, Candidate

A year ago, on March 28th around 1 to 2 am in the morning, my older brother Aeneas was sleeping in his bed next to his wife. Their 5yr old daughter Tia was in her bed in the next room.

A man broke into the house. Stole into their bedroom. He shot my brother once through the head. Julie, my brother's wife, woke up. She blocked the first bullet with her hand. He then shot her once in the throat and again in the face.

He left, went to his home, and shot himself.

Tia, woke to the noise and found her parents. She called 911, & directed the operator to send police and medical help for her parents.

They arrived in time to keep my brother from dying. Julie was dead on the scene.

The family gathered at the hospital, only to find out that Aeneas had not recovered any brain activity. He was connected to machines, the only reason he hadn't died yet. For two days we spoke with doctors, hoping that one of them would tell us something different. Eventually we made the decision to unhook him.

I held his hand when he suffocated to death. I felt his last heartbeat.

He was he senior by 2yrs. We had been close, along with my younger brother Cyrus.

Aeneas & Julie were beach bums. He had been a lifeguard for many years. It was how he met his wife Julie. They were surfers. A young vibrant couple, not without their problems, the center of their world was Tia.

This is being written for my family and extended family. I'm telling you this because the ones reading this will have this knowledge. There are many small innocuous tidbits in this that I don't expect anyone but them to understand, but I think it neccessary to have a little knowledge of the events.

For more information simply do a google search for: Tia Hernlen, or Aeneas or Julie Hernlen.

Thanks in advance! view post


RipTide posted 08 March 2006 in Member Written WorksRipTide by Dawnstorm, Candidate

Hi, I'll do detailed comments. For the sake of gathering my thoughts, and also for speech economy, I'll speak with more authority than I really feel inside. Don't let my tone persuade you to make changes where you don't feel them.

Quote: "Cu Roi":17f5fa5w
He stopped himself from trying to breathe. It would just drown him.[/quote:17f5fa5w]

"It would just drown him."

1. Vividness could be improved by replacing "drowning"-reference, with a setting reference (e.g. an image of water flooding lungs, etc.) The word "Drown" is a giveaway. [But remember that this change would shift characterisation; "drown" implies reciting things he's learned. The more vivid approach indicates a familiarity with the setting. Since you're talking about a life-guard, I think the latter wouldn't be inappropriate, but you know best.]

2. "It would just": Your up close: these words evoke nothing and take too long to read, compared to the essence of the thought. (It ought to be more immediate; you seem to be going for a "focussed language", to emulate the necessity of "focussed thought" in this situation.)

Heart racing.

He stopped.


The participle indicates duration. I'm tempted to read this as:

"Heart racing, he stopped."

Is this the effect you were going for? [I assume you mean, he stopped fighting.]

Also: "He stopped": I'd replace that with a movement-indicator (again to improve vividness of scene).

Which way was up?


"was" is ballast.

He couldn't tell...No way to tell.


This seems to be a rationalisation (I can't tell, so there is no way to tell), which seems slightly off in his situation. (When you're drowning the difference between "couldn't tell" and "no way to tell" simply isn't relevant.)

If, for some reason, you want the repetition (e.g. panic) I'd just repeat "couldn't tell".

[On the other hand, the rationalisation could be an indicator of him calming down. In that case, I'd get rid of the ellipsis, which counters that effect; I'd probably break this up into two simple sentences and two lines.]

Was someone else there?

Had someone been next to him?


The relation between these two sentences isn't clear. Is he concerned about others? Does he hope to be saved?

Also the first of these sentences should be re-written (too many non-evocative words in a row).

He let out a little air when it became to much.


Could be more vivid. He's submerged. Letting out air creates bubbles and lets some water into the mouth before you can close it. Such things, anything.

When!


Should the "!" be a "?"?

How far out was he by now?


"was he" is ballast.

The burning in his lungs!

His skull...It crackled with fire!


Burning lungs are okay. It's a cliché metaphor, and thus invisible. But once you introduce "fire" (in the skull) you're making this a conceit (extended metaphor). I'm not sure the fire-conceit works in a water setting. (It could work, if the contrast had some special effect - which it hasn't on me.)

STAY!


Um... he's under water. I daresay what he wants to do is leave... (It's more like "stay in the world", I know/suspect, but it does potentially have a comic side-effect.)

You could go for a bit more melodrama, here, and just say: "LIVE!" or something.

He couldn't stand it any longer.


Stand what? The thoughts? His situation? Not a fan of words like "it" in such situations...

Pulling against the grasp of the wine dark sea.


From Homer to Bakker to you... Dark, I get. But do you really want a wine-reference, here? If so, why?

Calm came over him.


"Calm overcame him." has a better rhythm, but changes the emphasis on "victimisation" a bit.

Was there light?


"Was there" is ballast.

Someone grabbed him.

She was there.


Improve the cohesion between the two sentences. (By implying that she grabbed him. Something like: Someone grabbed him./She did.)

Green palms waved aboved,


typo: above

Emerald mountains beyond rose to the sun.


"beyond" what? Either cut the word or find a better one.

He could move. So he did.


I think you got the sequence wrong, here. (This is his point of view, right?) He moved, so he knew he could. (You don't just magically know you can move, you have to try.)

Eyes flashing at him. He loved those eyes.


Again, more vividness. Describe eyes with evaluative modifyier (and perhaps an article to hint at familiarity). Example:

Eyes flashing at him. Those lovely green eyes! (You get the idea)

She giggled from the throat in that way she did...


Something here doesn't quite work (not sure what). Perhaps if you add some punctuation for emphasis?

...throat, in that....

....throat. In that...

Unsure...

When he pulled himself from the water, through the sand and fell on his towel he looked back.


That's quite a complicated sentence structure. I'd re-arrange the punctuation, seperating the two most important clauses only:

"When he pulled himself from the water through the sand and fell on his towel, he looked back."

(Also: don't you mean: "After he had pulled himself from the water through the sand and fallen on his towel, he looked back.")

Her deep sigh drew his attention back to her.


I'd say, "A deep sigh..." (It's only "her sigh" once his attention is back on her, not before.)

She handed him something cold to drink from the cooler.


1. "something": specify (either name the liquid, or if he's to groggy to recognise it, perhaps name the container.)

2. "cold... cooler": same info twice, with no beneficial effect from repetition.

"Where is everybody?", he asked.


No comma: "...y?" he asked.

"They're coming.", she replied


"...g," she replied. (note the missing full-stop at the end)

"Where is She?", he asked alarmed.


"...e?" he...

It was a warm fire. Very little smoke and pleasant.


"Very little smoke and pleasant." sounds odd for various reasons.

First your mixing two different types of info (sensual, evaluation); and second, the lack of a comma suggests "very little smoke and [very little] pleasant". I'd recast this:

It was a warm fire. Very little smoke. Pleasant.

Or:

It was a pleasant fire: warm, very little smoke.

He thought he could hear whispers, but no one had come yet. It sounded like they were talking about her and him. Crying too. Why?


*Ooh, that's effective... <!-- s:cry: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_cry.gif" alt=":cry:" title="Crying or Very sad" /><!-- s:cry: --> *

One thing, though:

"they" will make the reader wonder: "who?" Better say "people" or something general, and invisible.

"I must still be shaken from the wipeout...or that beer hit me harder than...", he thought.


No comma: "...than..." he thought.

His thoughts didn't get too much farther.


Rephrase that.

1. "...throught. His thoughts..." = careless repetition.

2. "too much farther": they didn't get any farther, or you wouldn't (shouldn't) have interrupted them.

Wait! Idea:

"I must still be shaken from the wipeout," he thought. "Or that beer hit me harder than..."

She stirred from her sleep.

(You don't need that sentence at all, then; the reader is interrupted real-time with the character. The "he saw" is implied, as we're in his point of view anyway.)

She yawned, and looked at him.


If the second main clause shares the subject with the first, no comma is allowed (unless you have a special reason).

She laughed, twisted and was her feet in an instant.


on her feet

****

Good concept. Your story should have a strong effect on those it's meant for.

Feel free to ask, if I've been unclear. Feel free to ignore, when I've sproutet nonsense.

And keep your head up; it must be hard to lose friends like that... view post


RipTide posted 09 March 2006 in Member Written WorksRipTide by Cu Roi, Candidate

Thanks for the critique Dawnstorm.

You hit on much that I plan on changing, but also brought to my attention some things I hadn't noticed.

Also, yes the wine dark sea has to go, it's a place holder I threw in to remind myself of what I want to evoke. It was all my tequila soaked brain could conjure at the time. Also, Homer to Ms. Clifton to me. Credit where credit is due. <!-- s;) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- s;) --> My brother was named Aeneas.

I'm going to go back and chip away some more. The biggest challenge was getting this out and written. It has been sitting in the back of my mind for a year. My brother died without knowing how. I keep wondering how he would have understood what happened, if he had any conciousness at all.

So I take it the basic frame of the piece is solid. The staccato beginning and the transiton into death worked? view post


RipTide posted 09 March 2006 in Member Written WorksRipTide by Dawnstorm, Candidate

Quote: &quot;Cu Roi&quot;:2kyyua2b
Also, Homer to Ms. Clifton to me. Credit where credit is due. <!-- s;) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- s;) --> My brother was named Aeneas.[/quote:2kyyua2b]

Hehe, how could that escape me!

So I take it the basic frame of the piece is solid. The staccato beginning and the transiton into death worked?


Worked well for me. Good transition, with the staccato petering out into more conventional text (kind of like the wet area between sea and beach where water keeps lapping).

I think the frame holds up well. view post


RipTide posted 13 March 2006 in Member Written WorksRipTide by Warrior-Poet, Moderator

I find the wine sea reference interesting because it was used in Darkness. Well other than that I liked it it was well written in my opinion keep up the good work. view post


RipTide posted 18 March 2006 in Member Written WorksRipTide by Cu Roi, Candidate

Thunder struck!

Darkness.

The tang of salt in his mouth.

The current dragged &amp; twisted.

Froth bloomed from his lips.

Flailing panic.

Heart Racing.

He fought for moments.

Struck at the grip of nothing.

He stopped.

Which way was up?

He couldn't tell!

No way to tell.

Had his board hit him?

He couldn't remember.

Go limp.

Let the ocean take you.

Relax.

He would surface.

Then he could swim.

Swim where?

To Shore!

Which beach?

Where had he been?

Nothing.

Just pain.

Above his right eye...

&amp; the back of his head...

Near his left ear...

Yes...the board must have hit him as he went under...

Was someone else there?

Had someone been next to him?

The tide surged.

God!

The pressure!

He exhaled as it became too much.

A stream of bubbles passed his lips.

Enough.

The choking eased some.

So dark!

It hurts!

When!

How far out?

Time stretched with the pain.

Pressure!

A whitehot line vibrated through his skull.

Salt.

All he could taste was salt.

Almost tasted like...

HER!

He must not breath

He MUST do this!

Breathing would drown him.

Hold it in!

For HER!

He honed his thought.

Fashioned stillness into a bulwark against the weight of the ocean.

Yet time continued to stretch...

He couldn't stand it any longer.

He fought.

Pulling against the cold mercury of the abyss.

Anger compelled his limbs.

No progress.

He'd chose the wrong way!!!

Shift.

Glide towards the current.

Ride the sea.

That's it.

The trench had to end.

When it did he could rise.

His arms swept.

Shoulders and back burned with acid.

The salt in his mouth made him want to vomit.

For HER!

How long?

GOD!

It tastes like b...!

He pulled until his arms gave out.

Then kicked until he went numb.

Too much.

He held onto his breath.

He didn't know how.

It had been too long.

It almost felt like he was breathing.

Just a little.

He could only move where the current pushed him now.

He was losing.

He was going to die.

Calm came over him.

He gave up.

His air left him &amp; he fell into Ægir’s jaws.

~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~

Quickening.

Light?

Could he see?

Someone grabbed him.

She was there.

Held him tight and pulled.

Up.

Light.

He broke the surface.

Ragged.

Screaming breath.

It hurt and soothed all at once.

Everything shined.

The sparkling cerulean surf cut a flowing line into the bone white sand. Wide palms waved aboved the niveous bank, while rocks broke through the earth like jagged knuckles. Emerald mountains beyond the treeline rose to the sun.

He could move. So he did.

She helped him for a while. Closing the distance to the shore with every push of the tide. She let go of him when they were close to it. She spun in the water, scattering sunlight. Celadon eyes flashing at him. He loved those eyes. She giggled from the throat in that way she did...

She stood in the surf, and ran towards the beach. Naked body glistening. He never could make her wear a goddamned thing.

He pulled himself from the water, through the sand, and fell on his towel. He looked back out into the clear swells...why hadn't he been able to see?

A deep sigh drew his attention back to her. She handed him something cold to drink from the cooler. He washed away the salt from his throat.

She stretched her long frame out next to his. She had no shame as she offered herself to the sun's warm caress. Her full breasts settled on her ribcage, and he admired her bronze figure. Her hip bones arching from her flat belly, and giving way to her endless legs. Those hips that had sheltered Her, once upon a time.Her stomach hadn't been so flat then. She was his amazon. Why would he want to make her wear clothes?

He looked around. &quot;Where is everybody?&quot; he asked.
&quot;They're coming.&quot; she replied
&quot;When?&quot;
&quot;Soon.&quot;
A shock of fear bolted through him.
&quot;Where is She?&quot; he asked alarmed. His head whipped around searching the shoreline.
&quot;She's with everyone else. She's coming. Rest a bit.&quot;
He was tired, so he did. Dreams took him.

When he woke, the sun had fallen behind the mountains, and evening would come soon. He gathered wood set a fire. It was a small blaze, warm, with little smoke and flames that flickered pleasantly. He looked around and saw his fishing rod propped amongst others by a log, right near her blue longboard and his Hobie. The tide was going out so he entertained the idea of casting to see what he would catch.

Embers floated from the blaze like fireflies. Slowly, as the flames mezmerized him, whispers came to his ear as the sun set. By some strange acoustic sorcery, he thought he could hear voices. Out of the fire, or was it the tide, or both? It sounded like people. Talking. Laughing &amp; crying. He was so hypontized by the sensation that the whispers began to sound familiar. Like voices he knew... but the thought was discarded before it was fully examined. She was stirring from sleep. His consciousness encompassed her. His eyes swept across every curve. Groped her. She yawned, and looked at him. Her eyes searched his. She laughed, twisted, and was her feet in an instant. She sprang down the beach. He followed. Dropping his board shorts as he went. No one would be here that soon. view post


RipTide posted 18 March 2006 in Member Written WorksRipTide by Warrior-Poet, Moderator

Wow that was spectacular I liked your first one ok, but this one is perfect. I really liked how you used Thunderstruck instead of Thunderclap and your depiction was very picturesque. Nice job. <!-- s:D --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_biggrin.gif" alt=":D" title="Very Happy" /><!-- s:D --> view post


RipTide posted 18 March 2006 in Member Written WorksRipTide by Cu Roi, Candidate

Thankyou!

There is always room for improvement, though, and there are some things that I'm uneasy about. I hesitate to point to them, being that if no one mentions it, maybe my misgivings are groundless.

I'm not scared of full critiques, so if you have the time, please get as verbose as you are inclined to. view post


RipTide posted 18 March 2006 in Member Written WorksRipTide by Cu Roi, Candidate

Oh yeah...I can say this.

I'm a huge fan of What Dreams May Come. I tried to describe the beach in such a way as to mimic the look of the afterlife in the film. That's why I chose words like celadon, I wasn't just trying to whip out the $10 words. Do I need to emphasize this more, or would it be too much?

I'm also worried that some of the metaphors I'm using are lost and too subtle. I don't want to say more!

Thanks! view post


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