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Week One: Replay posted 14 July 2004 in Member Written WorksWeek One: Replay by Replay, Auditor

Thanks for taking the time to critique it.

Ok, writing a critique of someone else’s work is very very new to me, so if this isn’t helpful, or isn’t what you want, or you want more in a particular vein, please let me know.

It's the first time I have done it as well, so I guess we'll just have to feel our way along. What you said was helpful though.

“A short gust of wind” is redundant, gust implies a brief change in the wind. I think this would be stronger if you dropped the word “short”.

Yeah that makes sense, and I agree it would be stronger without it.

The fragment in p3, “the darkness that was his thoughts toying with the idea that someone had reached into his chest and removed some vital part of him” seems to be missing a subject. I’m not sure how to fix this, although I think I see what you are trying for. It’s a good image, I just think it needs some restructuring. Maybe something like “his thoughts filled with darkness, he toyed with the idea that someone had reached into his chest and removed some vital part of him”

I did spend a few minutes on that sentance when I wrote it because I felt maybe something was missing. I thought it might just be me wondering if it should be "was" or "were" though.

There are some minor punctuation and grammatical errors, should we go into those here, given that these stories are rough?

If you have the time, I'd be more than happy for you to point them out. It's one of the areas i struggle with having never really written anything before.

At the end of p7, “And now he no longer had her to turn to” implies a relationship to the previous sentence “She had always been good with names; always had given people her undivided attention and got to know them properly, no matter who they were” but I think it might be stronger if the tie was explicit. Maybe, “Now he no longer had her to turn to when a name or face slipped his mind.” That may not be the best solution, but I think it shows what I’m getting at.


“catch” should be “caught” in the first sentence of p8.

That was due to a rewrite of that paragraph. Amazing how they slip through even when you read over them again at least twice.

I like the way you contrasted Gabe’s inability to place the man in black with the earlier paragraph about Dani’s facility with names. It made me feel that though you had been building a picture of how incomplete he was without her, here was something entirely other, which she couldn’t have helped him with.

Overall very good. I felt the tone was consistent through the whole piece. The mysterious stranger fit the scene but also left it open and created a tension that could go almost anywhere. I was annoyed at the end that it wasn’t the beginning of a story so I could see where it ended up. <!-- s:) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- s:) -->

Thanks. I did have an idea for continuing this scene into a short story, but not sure if I will continue with it. Perhaps at one point I'll pick it up again though.

As I said above, I liked the imagery at the beginning, but I felt that the rest of the piece was light on descriptive detail. This may have been intentional, as his attention is directed inward, but I think some more details on his surroundings would help to anchor things.

Yeah I find it hard to add detail -, it's just not something that comes naturally at the moment (when I first wrote this scene it had even less than it does now, and had to keep going back and adding bits where I could). We will have to have one week where we focus a lot more on this. view post


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